Coffee Shop War Tactics

We at the daily emmett confess that some among our staff are chronic coffeehouse "homesteaders". We love these places for their atmosphere and the sheer productivity they can accommodate. Indeed, there are few deals out there that can compare to the coffee house virtual office. Ideally, those of us that enjoy such a benefit would take care to be decent people and adhere to well-established coffee house laptop etiquette. Sadly, we are fallen, selfish people, and have recently experienced in our abuses a subtle counteractive as shop owners struggle to balance their own interests in a business rooted in hospitality.

Our research team has recently discovered "the coffee triangle". Much as fire needs the triangle of heat, fuel and oxygen, coffee house homesteaders need a table, an outlet, and free WiFi to sustain their way of life. Take any one of these away, and the homesteader's expiration is only a matter of time. In this battle, there are several strategies a coffee house can employ in the struggle to dissuade the homesteader without appearing inhospitable. One coffeehouse near the daily emmett headquarters employs a faulty router which routinely resets and kicks the user offline (...oops!...sorry...) to the point that's almost not worth the hassle. Another cafe merely limits the entire dining area to 2 wall outlets, creating with each visit a type of "laptop bourgeois" who were privileged to have landed the good spot, while treating the rest of us to a quiet existence of "outlet watching", marked by moments of false hope every time one of privileged gets up for a refill. The most elaborate example, however is featured below.

Notice in plan the careful arrangement so that, while providing all elements of the "coffee triangle", only Tables 1, 3, 4 and 6 are within an cord's length of an outlet. Tables 1, 2 and 3 are all of the tall variety which fatigues the legs for durations of much more than an hour. Furthermore, Tables 1, 3, and 6 are in the line of fire to be blasted by the definitively in-hospitable Michigan winter anytime someone opens the door (tragically, one of our staff recently sat at table 6 and lost a toe to frostbite). This leaves only Table 4 as the ideally hospitable environment for the laptop user.

This exemplifies the guerrilla tactics of suburban America, as one species battles for its own bid at self-preservation. Fascinating.